Anything but the truth I haven't always been a political writer. For a brief period I used to write scripts for stage plays  - mostly satires - and drama scripts for TV. While I still do occasionally write satires, I have stopped writing TV dramas, the reason the following dialogue will explain. TV Producer: Raja, your script is very good. You are very perceptive in the way you have inserted the little details. Details are important and it shows you know the lifestyles of the rich and famous. But what you have written can never get past the censors. Our show will be rejected for sure. We need to make many changes. Me: Oh! And which parts need changing? Producer: Well, as an example, take your hotel room scene. In your script, you show the Malay businessman having a secret rendezvous with his mistress. We cannot show this. Me: Why not? It happens every day. Producer: Sure it does. Everyone knows that. But we cannot show it. Me: Why? Producer: Because they are both Muslims. We cannot show a Muslim man in a secluded place with a Muslim girl, unless it is his wife. If you change the characters to Chinese, then it is okay. But if they are supposed to be Muslims, then cannot. The censors will reject our show. Me: But the characters cannot be changed to Chinese. The story is about a Malay businessman. So how do I show this scene? Producer: Add one more character. If there are three people in the hotel room, then okay. But, if only two, then cannot. Me: But what if the three intend to have an orgy. Isn't this worse? Producer: That's okay! The rule just says we cannot show a Muslim man and woman together. If more than two then it is okay, never mind what they intend to do together. Me: That's weird. Okay, I'll add one more character. Maybe the Malay businessman has a bodyguard and he is also in the room together with them. Producer: Yes! That would be fine. And this other scene, the one showing the businessman bribing a government official. This too we cannot show. Me: What? But everyone knows business in Malaysia is done on the basis of kickbacks. If you don't pay kickbacks you cannot get government contracts. Producer: I know that. Even our company must pay bribes to get the TV station to buy our movies. But we cannot show this. It is not allowed. If we show a scene of a government official accepting bribes, the censors will reject our show. Me: Okay. I will cut that scene out. Anything else? Producer: Yes, you know...the scene where you show the police taking money. Me: Okay! I get it! That too must be cut out. Producer: Right. The rule says we cannot show the police taking money, or beating people up. We have to show them helping people and positive things like that. Me: You're joking! Producer: No! That's what the rule says. Me: Okay. I'll change that too. And what else needs amending? Producer: The scene that shows the politician taking a bribe for helping the businessman secure a government contract. Me: I take it that too is not allowed. Producer: Of course! Cannot! How can we show Malaysian politicians as corrupted? Me: But this is the reality in Malaysia. The politicians are corrupted and they take bribes for helping businessmen get government contracts. Producer: I know that. You think our company can get so many TV contracts if we don't bribe politicians? In fact, the Minister is the most corrupted of the lot. But we cannot show this. Me: Then how do I portray him? Producer: Maybe you can show him trying to help the Malay businessman because of the New Economic Policy. He is interested to see Malays succeed in business, so that's why he is helping the businessman. Me: But that's bullshit! Producer: I know. But that's the only way we can write this scene. Corrupted politicians are just not on. We cannot show this. Have you ever seen any Malaysian TV series showing corrupt government officers, police or politicians? Me: Come to think of it, no. Producer: That's right. It is never shown on Malaysian TV shows. Me: Okay, what if I change the character to a foreign politician instead of a Malaysian politician? Say an Indonesian politician. Producer: That's okay. If he is a foreigner then it's all right - as long as he is not a Malaysian. Me: Okay. But this is getting very frustrating. If I am not allowed to show Malaysia the way it actually is, then what can I show? Producer: You can, not that you cannot. But you can only show the good things, not the bad things. If we show any of the bad things about Malaysia, then the censors will reject our show. Me: So, I take it, I cannot show Malaysia having a recession also then? I must show life in Malaysia as honky dory and peachy. Producer: No, you can show that Malaysia is having a recession. But you must make sure we blame the West and the foreign currency speculators for it. We should mention that they are jealous of our success and are trying to sabotage our economy. You cannot say that it is our government's bad policies. Me: Right! I get it! And I should also mention they are sabotaging our economy because they want to colonise us again. Producer: Now you got it! You see how easy it is once you know how the rules work? Me: And I suppose the scene of the Malay businessman drinking in the disco with his mistress must also be cut out? Producer: Of course. Muslims cannot drink, so we cannot show that, even though we know many do. Maybe you can change the scene to a steak house. Show he is having a steak dinner with his mistress. Me: So I can still show him as unfaithful and having an affair, as long as he is not drinking or alone in a hotel room with his mistress? Producer: Yes that's right. And also, they should not touch each other or kiss. That too is not allowed. Me: Unless the characters are Chinese. Then it's okay Producer: Right! Me: But what if they are Chinese Muslims? Producer: Aya! Why do you want to make them Chinese Muslims? No need lah! Or else, then problem again. Me: Okay. I understand. Show only the good things, not the bad things. Why not I write a fairy tale instead? Producer: Fairy tale? Fairy tales cannot sell. Me: Then what sells? Producer: Sex. Me: Sex? But we cannot even show them alone in a hotel room. How to show sex? Producer: Can what! We show them walking towards the hotel, then the camera cuts. We will let the audience use their own imagination. Me: Then we show them coming out again with satisfied looks on their faces. Producer: Yes. One day you are going to make a good producer.

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